She's Still Not Married?

A Penny for Your Thoughts!

 

If I had a penny for every time I read the minds of people, I’d be a millionaire! The question I mind-read from people who’ve known me the longest is usually one of these: “Don’t you want to get married again?” “Are you looking?” “What about your parents, aren’t they looking for you?” “Doesn’t your brother in-law have single friends?” “Have you tried Shaadi.com?” (The Indian equivalent to match.com, except the parents make most of their sons’ profiles, and if that doesn’t explain why they are so creepy, then it explains why those men have profiles on Shaadi.com!)

I’m 36 years-old and I don’t think it’s my parents’ job to find me a husband anymore. They’re retired! And if I have to resort to fake profiles of people on dating websites, I may as well jump off a very high wall and break my leg! I can’t jump off a cliff, because I don’t have a reason to die yet; I’m not married!

To be unmarried in my culture is as sinful as talking to boys through the “segregation curtains/room dividers” at your local mosque! If you dare to do it while in plain view of the elders, you bring shame on the family and keep the wagging tongues of the aunties moist with reasons for why, “She still not married?”

To be fair, some have a sincere interest in my happiness, but this post is for those who are insincere or just plain nosey and bored with their own lives! When I explain why I have been uninterested in the endless pursuit of husband-hunting, people like to throw my son into the conversation to add a guilt-trip twist to their probing!

“What about your son, he deserves to see you happy with a man!” “He needs a man in his life too, poor thing.” “He needs to understand the importance of being married and in a committed relationship.” “He needs a male role model.”

While I agree with the last one, what I wish the meddling aunties and my well-meaning friends could understand was, if you could read my mind, you’d hear: “If marriage meant a life-long commitment to someone, (regardless of interfering in-laws and idiosyncrasies in your partner that wouldn’t be tolerated even in the animal kingdom!) then we wouldn’t have the legalized institution of divorce! (Or a society with such a heavy dependency on drugs and alcohol!)

And to use my son as a pawn to make me feel guilty for not getting remarried, shows how little they’ve bothered to get to know him. I haven’t had to read his mind to understand how he feels. In his exact words, “You’re not allowed to get remarried, unless you marry someone like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates.” In other words, they have to be tech savvy billionaires who would spoil him rotten with every electronic gadget/screen in the world! Another one of his favorite lines is: “You’re not getting married again because step-dads beat their step children. I’ve seen it on TV!”

He wins the guilt-trip-and-scare-me-to-death-about-the-prospect-of-getting-remarried battle, hands down! Sorry aunties! His argument is way better than yours, because I’m the only one allowed to abuse my child!

Now, here’s where it gets complicated and tricky. Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say that I’m content (sometimes, even quite happy!) to be single?

Why does my comfort level with being a single woman in my thirties ruffle the arm hairs of so many women in my culture? Why am I considered “abnormal” for not pining for a husband? Why do people assume that I must be putting on an act, or that I must be in denial, or deep down in a lot of pain about my life? Or worse, why do they have to wonder if I’m secretly gay?

Just because I have developed a deep seething hatred for men over the years, doesn’t mean I prefer women as life partners!

Aren’t we encouraged by Oprah and all the self-help Deepak Chopra gurus to become comfortable with ourselves, and to love who we are - even if we are overweight or have bad skin? Doesn’t self-love go beyond our outward appearance and require a true acceptance of ourselves -no matter what our circumstances in life may be. We may not be as outrageously rich as celebrities, but we should still love our lower paid, hardworking selves; we may not have the latest fashions, but we should still love our Target and thrift store finds; we may not live in mansions, but we should still love our homes; and if we are not married, we should eat a lot of Breyers Extra Creamy chocolate ice cream. No! Wait, that’s wrong! I eat chocolate ice cream, because my taste buds like it!

I have been single for most of my life, and what people need to understand, is that this is my “normal.” The shock of losing Hamzah’s father hasn’t completely sunk in for either of us either. (I doubt it ever will.) I’m not using his death as an excuse, but it is a process that we have to continue working at, and one that cannot be rushed.

Many of my friends and relatives felt the need to find a new spouse immediately upon the dissolution of their marriage. I don’t get it, and I don’t agree that a spouse can fill a void, or that he/she is necessary for survival. I definitely don’t believe in doing things to fit in with society; Hence, my marriage to a Black man while belonging to a small-minded desi community! Marriage should be an option, but not the ONLY option. And you really don’t know me if you think I’m advocating a, “date till you die” option! This is about the choice between getting married and remaining single, not about getting married and remaining uncommitted. (Not the same thing at all!)  And anyway, the greater question we should be asking ourselves is, now that women have degrees, jobs and GPS on their cell phones, are men even relevant anymore?

I use the same reasoning behind the choice couples make when deciding to wait to have children or the decision not to have children at all. Of course, the latter is ignorantly seen as selfish and unnatural, but with a population of 7.15 billion isn’t the argument for procreation outdated now? (Not to mention all the orphans in need of loving homes.)

As a parent, I can completely understand why people wait or chose not to have kids. Children talk back and find fault with all you do, so you’re not always right anymore; They don’t listen to you when you tell them not to leave their wet towels on the floor anymore; They don’t brush their teeth unless you’re standing over them in the bathroom anymore; They get three months off in the summer and they don’t even help around the house/farm anymore; They eat more calories than they burn and they’re bloody expensive, so they’re not cheap anymore! You have to put away money for an education that they will end up taking for granted, because people in their teens and early twenties are not serious about life anymore!

The point is quite simple: Don’t expect people in the 21^st century to continue thinking the way people in the 10^th century thought. More importantly, what’s “normal” and “ideal” for you, (aunty!) is not “normal” and “ideal” for me.

The fact that I have to write about this and try to explain myself shows how little society is progressing. I’ve always been a thinker (or ‘inside my head a lot’) and I don’t think my beliefs have remained the same for more than a year or two. “The only constant in my life is change!” My ideas and beliefs adapt and change as much as the arrangement of my furniture in my living room, and that’s not because I’m bored or inconsistent as I’d once thought it was. (Well, maybe I’m a little bored with my furniture!)

My self-discoveries have a lot to do with the new people I encounter and the wonderful places I’ve had the great fortune of visiting. I could write a whole chapter on the exhilaration I feel while traveling alone! Interactions with others, vacations and self-exploration are the best way for me to evolve. Staying in the same mental space for too long has always resulted in self-destructive thoughts. I need to move, to be able to move-on. (I don’t mean “leave” when I say “move”…though moving out of York would probably result in even greater self-discoveries, like how much more I’d have to pay in rent just to live closer to a big city and an airport!)

Back when I was a day-dreaming teen, I was sure that I’d have two boys and two girls and the closest Desi equivalent to a Johnny Depp lookalike I could find at the annual Pakistani Independence Day festival in D.C. I imagined a life of driving my BMW to lunch dates to meet my equally happy friends and relatives, and we’d gush about our fabulous lives and flawless complexions! Can you tell I watched one too many episodes of some sort of trash television?

But life had a different plan for me, or was it that I followed the wrong path, or made a wrong turn? That can’t be right, because I believe that we have a say in the direction of our lives, but I also believe that God leads us on journeys, and that if we stay open and allow Him to lead us, we will eventually realize that we are exactly where we’re supped to be, with/without who we are supposed to be with/without.

That’s God’s way of saying, “You’re either with Me or against Me.”  

And if you’re with me, I’ll know, because you don’t ask me why I’m not married. And if you’re against me, I’ll know, because I can read minds, remember!